comments on heartache

"What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be. Lord knows we've learned the hard way all about healthy apathy. I use these words pretty loosely. There's so much more to life than words. There is a me you would not recognize dear, call it the shadow of myself..."

"I wonder which part of this will leave a scar..."

Quotes from Over the Rhine with which I am starting off my day. This cold icy day.

I'm going to dive back into my grief here ... I received a letter from my aunt this week. She told me that she left an invite to my brother's wedding at my dad's grave site and she's planning to take a picture and my letter when she goes this month to leave a wreath. The heartache is that this scenario would not to be mine...that rather than a picture of my dad's grave site with a wreath and our letters, I would actually be anticipating a visit to my family for Christmas, which would include everything I remember from my childhood - my dad, my mom, my brother, our stockings...a new bike :). I don't want to live out of this tragedy, but it is mine and I cannot but try to remember my dad and accept that I long for his company in life and hope for the relief of some 'healthy apathy' towards this loss.

And then there's the ache of love that is found in the crossing of paths between people with whom we are compelled to make attempts at love, unrehearsed, finding otherwise unknown depths of ourselves and the other. It is deceptive to think that what is found and shared there might not leave its indelible mark - love is in no way temporary, I'm finding. It is nonetheless impossible to prepare for the lingering heartache that love becomes when the truth that is found therein moves us to find our better selves and continue the journey seemingly alone or with another. Why and how does it literally ache in one's body exactly where the heart is? It is breathtaking.

And then there's the enormity of love between friends - sisters in my case - that becomes more acutely known in the midst of this heartache.

And now back to Over the Rhine and my melodramatic morning:

"I thought I'd go up Poughkeepsie, look out o'er the Hudson and I'd throw my body down o'er the river, and I'd know no more sorrow I would fly like the sparrow and I'd ride on the backs of the angels tonight. I'd ride on the backs of the angels tonight. I'd take to the sky with all my might, no more drowning in my sorrow, no more drowning in my fright, I'd just ride on the backs of the angels tonight. There are those who know sorrow and those who must borrow and those whose load in life is sweet. While I'm drunk on self-pity, scorned all that's been given me, I would drink from a bottle labeled sure defeat. I'd ride on the backs of the angels tonight. I'd take to the sky with all my might. No more drowning in my sorrow, no more drowning in my fright. I just ride on the backs of the angels tonight. Then the skies, they fell open. And my eyes were open to a world of hope falling at my feet. Now I've no more or less than any one else has. What I have is a gift of life I can't repeat so I go up Poughkeepsie look out o'er the Hudson and I cast my worries to the sky. Now i still know sorrow, but I can fly like the sparrow, 'cause I ride on the backs of the angels tonight. I ride on the backs of the angels tonight, I take to the sky with all their might, no more drowning in my sorrow, no more drowning in my fright. I just ride on the backs of the of the angels each night."