unedited update

I attended a birth last night. Much of the last 6 months of my life has revolved around the exploration of this new found interest in birth. I volunteer with a program here in San Diego at the UCSD medical center Hearts and Hands Volunteer Doula Program. The hospital has a birth center that is run by midwives. We get to be involved in the lives of any woman who desires the presence of a doula during her labor and delivery at the hospital, whether it is in the birth center or ends up on the labor and delivery floor. It is without fail a profound experience in which to participate. Last night the language barrier between me and the mom prevented some deeper connection, but her expression of pain "dolor muchissimo" (great pain) or "me espalda" (my back) came across very clear. I'm discovering how to appreciate the value of one's presence despite the feeling of being relatively useless or in the way. My role as a doula is simply to support the mom in having the birth that she wants -whether it means informing her of options, suggesting various ideas (positions, visualizations, etc) for helping her to progress in her labor and delivery successfully and as comfortably as possible. Often times the partner, a friend or family member is there to do most of this for you. However, without fail, it seems my presence as come in handy in one way or another and sometimes it is clearly invaluable. I attended a birth once with a woman who was an inmate at a local jail. This prevented her from being allowed the presence of any family or friends. Aside from the deputy on duty, I was the constant presence with her as she gave birth to her little girl. I have to admit though, that what i am still most amazed at is the fact that all those big alien baby heads are so often able to squeeze through such a seemingly impossibly small space! And the fact that every single birth is in some way different from the next...everything that makes each body unique is exhibited in this process - and it's so clearly manifested in each of the body, the mind and the soul in those moments during labor and delivery. It is profound. It is telling. It is traumatic. I can't believe that I have repeatedly and voluntarily put myself in the position to face such raw human nature - all beauty, fear, disappointment, courage!! and endurance...and to learn to be ready for anything...even death. I admittedly have little idea what I would do in an emergency; with such a tragedy as 'fetal demise'. The baby boy that was born last night gave me a taste of my fear of this situation as he slipped out of his mom's body almost limply, eyes wide, but silent. It was sickening. The seconds that passed seemed interminable before he actually started whimpering and then crying. Ugh, I cannot begin to imagine. The glorious relief and beauty of having a squirming and screaming little creature on your hands makes every moment worthwhile. I am equally awed by each mother's ability to endure through this labor, when it seems unending and they are SO utterly exhausted...they persist. I am deeply thankful for my interest in this aspect of our human experience and the opportunity to learn and explore it these last few months and hopefully in years to come. Honestly, I'm still determining in what capacity I'd like to participate in this field...midwife, doula, nurse, mom? I don't know...and fortunately don't have to decide just yet....because....
I'm heading to a place just south of Yosemite this summer to work as a cook for Summit Adventure (a small, Christ-centered, outdoor adventure company). I will feed the staff while they are in and out of base on their backpacking trips and hopefully get in a little adventure of my own too. I anticipate it to at least be an adventure for my spirit - to immerse myself in a new community and environment and hopefully find myself free there.
Before I get myself in too deep, though I will be attending my brother's graduation in Arizona from the Tucson Fire Academy! I can't express how proud I am of him and excited I am for him. He enjoys this work so much and has so far been extraordinarily successful at it. What could be better than enjoying the work you do to earn a living!
In fact, that is exactly what I've been able to do these last few months since I returned to San Diego in January. I found a part-time job at a delightful little flower shop, called Florabella, for a couple of amazing women. Also, I have been able to ride my bicycle to and from work! It has been wonderful to not only work part-time, enjoy the work and environment so much, avoid traffic/commutes completely, but also to connect with one of my bosses on many of my interests outside of work! :) ..she had an at home water birth with her son, went to Austin for the huge South by Southwest music festival, plans to travel US upon retirement, buy homes and fix them up to be environmentally and sustainably sound properties, loves all creatures (like the nasty possum that crept into our workspace), has a deeply genuine and peaceful spirit, partially pink hair and a beautiful attitude about life. They've offered to have me back after the summer to train me as a florist! *sigh!!* oh the possibilities!!

My options post-summer: stay at Summit?; travel east through the US, to France, ultimately to Africa; come back here to San Diego - involve myself more deeply in the doula program and learn to be a florist, maybe start a nursing/midwifery program, maybe learn to surf... I'm hoping and praying for insight and direction with this as it seems like an impossible decision! To settle down or not to settle down? I trust...

A good friend recently told me that the use of '...' is a sign of intelligence...(see!) proving there is much more going on than what is being expressed in the surrounding words. I think this is true, whether the '...'s' are there to prove it or not...there's a lot going on in everyone, no? Truly, there is a lot going on in me (I tend to use the '...' a lot actually). It feels good to finally sum it all up in this blog for whomever might read it. I agonize about decisions and life so much, but cannot deny that i am consistently amazed at how beautifully things turn out...maybe it's just me, but it seems like this is the underlying momentum in the world...a strong but slow current moving us in beauty and love.