EG sent me a card (among many cards that she ..."culled from the slews of cards [she is] sent every year"...thank yous for her many charitable donations. They are how I've gotten into decorating my own cards...pasting cool stuff over top of the cute puppies and birds and snowflakes that come on most of them). She says "Enjoy life, my sweet - it's the only one you'll get. Don't waste it..." There's something about that kind of statement coming from your EG that gets your attention... especially when you've just said 'goodbye' to your best friend without being sure when the next time you'll share life together again will be. Well, so, my grandma's statement actually made me cry really hard... as these days I'm feeling wasted by life... as if I don't even have the option to waste it myself. A coworker asked me the other day what I've been stressed about as she noticed an apparently unusual amount of pimples (zits, blemishes, whatever...) on my face... interesting, because she's right, I have been unusually stressed, I just wouldn't have guessed that what seems to me such normal pimplage could have revealed the extent of anxiety going on underneath ...
The truth is, it has been that bad, lately... ...
There have been many trying days and weeks lately and this part of the journey seems far from being over...much less enjoyable. I am however, increasingly amazed at what sustains me... O Love that gives us life... Enjoying it is an entirely different question, though as I am equally disturbed by all that tries to bury that life-giving Love... so heavily that we are wearied by the search for it, under piles of fear and selfishness and anger and confusion...so I sit here in the storm and drink a toast to love's discovery...
man, life is SICK.... and I mean that literally... as it might be defined both colloquially and scientifically!
(To quote my grandpa, Ahpa) "I must say" one of the most enjoyable aspects of my existence latley is the imagination of a great commune somewhere outside of Nairobi, Kenya... made up of a bunch of good friends, good work, good food and all sorts of other good things :-). We believe it's actually starting with my friend Ashby's nonprofit VisibleGRACE... if you've never heard of Ashby or checked out her website you should, at: www.graceworksintl.org and www.ashbyduck.livejournal.com
It's that time in life (still, at 25) when friends move away from each other to do their own thing... pursue their own dreams and in some ways it's depressing... but there really is all this great energy and hope towards one day living together again and sharing all these skills and passions that we're currently developing with each other and the world!...woo hoo! what should we call it?
2 comments:
...how about we call it "hope"?
I have found myself suprisingly full of it recently. Reading your honest confession of pain and struggle I am once again taken aback by the hope that pursues me... for myself, for you, for the dream of life giving community, gardens, and peace.
Carrie said to me last night, "dreams are difficult!" I guess it can be misleading to call it a "dream" when it is sure to come with much struggle, frustration, disappointment, confusion, and unchartable levels of stress!
Don't stop dreaming dear friend...
peace and love
leslie
I always feel bad when I don't have something profound in return. You are turning into a good writer Leigh. Maybe you are one already! What happened to that book you were going to write? I'll read it =) Thanks for your honesty. I appreciate. I'm especially impressed you mentioned pimples. I hate publically talking about them. It's one of issues I try to forget I struggle with. Mine have been hay-wire lately since I've forgotten to take my pills and have had my period twice this month!! I have to go back to work now, but I still want to speak to you on the phone. I'll try to phone you on your lunch break today (Friday).
Love,
Rachel
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